To be disillusioned, you need to have an illusion first. Which, for many people, would be a ‘bad thing’. Because to have an illusion is to have gotten it all wrong, to be delusional, to have been so shamefully naive and unaware of what was ‘actually’ going on that you are worthy of your own ridicule and maybe even that of other people. There is a sense of shame to having had an illusion. And yet - if it was a pleasant illusion, at least - having the illusion was a whole period in your life in which you got to feel great.
To have an illusion, in my experience, is ecstatic. Everything makes sense, I’m on a ride, you know how things work and you - unknowingly perhaps, and trustingly - place your trust in that the way things are for you is the way things are. You know your direction. You are on the right path.
WRESTLING WITH ILLUSIONS AND DISILLUSIONMENT
What is disillusionment?
Illusion is when you think that you know something and later you find out you actually didn't .
People think it is bad to have an illusion, because when you get out of it you think you got it all wrong.
There is a sense of shame of having had an illusion.
There are pleasant and unpleasant
Iknow how things work
I am in harmony because what I believe is what is happening in the world is corresponding with the outer world. There is congruence of what I think and what is happening in the world.
There is a proudness about I know how things are. and then there is the moment that I find out I was wrong about omething.
Then I am interested into that moment. What happens in that moment? A sense of shame, but all that time they were happy because they thought they knew something because they were in harmony with their environment.
Illusion men are respectful with woment.
Women tell the truth
Children are pleasant to be around.
Possibility Management is the solution to everything...
When you have a pleasant illusion, everything is ecstatic. You know how things work.
Trustingly you put your trust that the way things are for you is the way things are.
You know your direction, cues, diolog with the´world, You hjave a sense that everything makes sense.
You are on the right path...
The disillusionment shatters this.
The value is that as long as you have an illusion you will do anything unconsciously to maintatin it because you want you inner and outer woelf to lkkeep matching so that everything keeps making sense to you, and therefore you are actually being very stubborn single out rare possibilitiesand empower them, Ansthing that challenges your illusion will be discarded.
So when you allow for your illusion to shatter it opens up this huge naked space in which to really question yourself and in which you cannot rely anymore on things being a given which can be sad an uncomfortable and lonely, but the cool thing is that you get to choose for yourself what you create, what you wish to believe for now.
You get to re-choose how you build your construct of the world instead of itt just being there.
What are the questions?
If this is not the way it is, then how is it?
What happens in reverse mode, every time you justified something and convinced yourerl fof the truthfulness of your illusion, all the glue that you used to glue pieces to gether that actually do not belong or fit together dissolves and leaks out and then there is all these holes which are reminder of all the self-convincing you enforced in order to maintain the illusion.
In childhood and ll the moments wew found out we had illusions. Emotions of joy before the illusion was shattered. AS if the world was better before the illusion was shattered. All this other stuff outside of the illusion is scary and dangerous, hostile.
You should face that.
Positive force it all felt so warm and great before the illusion was destroyed, we are doing ourself a favor because it feels so much nicer.
So many people have created the illusion that they are not good enough or not wanted or not fitting not being loved negative illusions.
They defend these with their life because it feels normal.
Because it is known.
I don't want to stand up and take responsibility, move, build a whole new thing and discomfort.
What is the discomfort in the moment of disillusionment.
What if you acquire or develop a taste for that moment of disillusionamnt experience. The refreshing and shocking.
If someone is to go on the path of evolution, this better a taste that you develop or you unconsciously sabotage all attempts at disillusionment.
How to develop that taste?
Self disillusionment requires that you move through different spaces, away from certainty into spaces of doubt, fear, anger, resentment that the illusion was an illusion or is being take away.
You place your feet in the I just gave up my known identity and I dont know whats next.
This can be exciting.
The old identity is like the crysallis or egg shell.
Moving from somethinhg sstatioc to a void of unknown possibility.
This is a moment that you can connect to your Being. becasue I don t have the mental construct box identityl thing to hold onto previous to everything else, and then there are all these feelings and emotions with no map, so then I can start feeling things one by one, savor them, go into their flavors and colors and see what happens when I feel them.
In that place where there was that identity, there is this spaciousness, you can feel love, slow down to the speed of love, finding a new found trust that does not come from an idea that you have alsawys had. The exhilieraatingv eypeirment willing ness to be without knowing what Being means.
Then I am connected to my Being that is there for no reason.
The illusion I had has stopped being a reason for trusting.
But the trust is there independent of the illusion.
Moving to many places ahd having to reconstruct myself again.
The discomfort of maintaining something when I start to see the cracks is unbearable. Deceiving myself in order to maintain a sense of familiarity and comfort is worse than throwing myself into the void.
Nigeria for 6 months. Changed friend groups a lot. Hard drug using, stuff stealing, hotel trashing, partying group of friends. When you take drugs there is a moment when it stops working and the exhiliarated joy turns out to have been a chemical realiction. All the bonding you feel goes away. All the beuatiful loving people turn out ot be selfobsessed and ugly. It feels like a shadow coming in that I don't want to face. More drugs makes the shadow wordse. IOt is just chemicylly using up the stuff in your brain to make you happy until it is really finished. Give up wanting it to bes so nice, stop holding onto that it has to remain nice forever, and jsut go face the darkl and go go hom. It is inevitable that the shadpw is going to come at some point, It feels pitiful to try to convince myself that it is not going to happen, there is no doubt about it that the shadow will return. My friends would take another scoop of drugs. You are trying to kid yourself. Trying to kid myself is beneath my level of dignity. I will not try to make something happen that cannot, like trying to have sex with a dead person hoping that they will do something back, being angry at the dead person, no you you have to come alive for me otherwise I will be alone.
My disgust of witnessing these tendencies helped me to move away from this.
But then you are alone.
Almost always there is just such a missing and necessary link to feelings work. In order to be okay with being alone use your anger to convince yourself that you will be okay. Be incredibly afraid of being alone or choose another option.
I practice being angry instead of being afraid.
Whatever the experience is, you always have the option to lie down close your eyes and just feel yourself, anything, the tips of your finger, arms, chest, visit all the places in your body, and slowly undo layers of thinking you cannot be with yourselr.
If you think "I cant do this" then go with the feeling of I cant do it. Follow yourself, like two butterflies flying around with each other. This is very safe, because nothing is a threat, because I decided to be with everthing that comes up, and everything I manage to be with is a new victpory on my list.
How does this fit into your life now? How do you use it?
Finding a way of being alive? How do you do it?
There is definitely something about speed and a circular motion going somewhere and then finding my way back to feeling centered.
There are seasond during the day. Depresskinog , as sense of not belog´nging to anything, having a purpose out there but being disconedted to it. Then I be with it. I literally stay in bed until I feel like getting up. I am very honest with myself and transparent with myself, and trying to remembe that there is something like lov,e, and follow myself like these ttwo butterfulies, until I feel a willing ness tobe in the day. There is a space of having ideas, remembering what my life is about. This is really scary to have this kind of patience with myself. There are so many ideas to make it better to get out of bed a t 7 and be active and happy and out there. Tehre is fear and mocking distrust that not getting up at 7 and staying there until I feel centered and harmonize would be indulging., But if I am patient with myself I have a really great day. There are violent forms of self-presuring to be in a different place than I am, to be faster, to have it all far more under control. to be far more unphased, to have it together more. And the sadness comes is a release of connecting with myself, that all the rushing is not as important as it pretends to be. Sometihng is heard int me, communitating and ffeeling with something in maself that is authentic and original, an new found home. This is what the sadness is.
How to you relate to people who are not disillusioned?
It is difficult. Thiere are different types of illusions : joyful and dark, everybody always eathing pink candy is a joyful illusion.
My mother in law has dark illusions about themselfves and about how the world is, then I have to play a part in their game in ortder for them to maintain their illusion, magnetic forc dfiveing me to move withigt the boutndaries of waht they theink the world is aobut. It feel svery tight.
I can have a lot of space and curiousity and dedicationj and love for these epeople as long ais I can set the context for how we relate.
This is only possible when I give a workshop because then there is the agreement that I can set the context.
If I decide that I want to have an honest conversation and ask the person to be in service of my context, in this space, I want to be here for a bit... if they do not join me then I try to convince them and it is unpleasant. If someone is in a dark illusion I feel like ther eis a force to cripple into their world to maintain their thing. When someone has a pleasant positive illusion I would rathrer avoid ethem rather than shatter it for them. Or I withhold and fitting into their thing but it feels different.
If I win the lottery, many other people lose money.
Afterwards repeating and parroting things to play the illusion in a pyramid scam such a farce of community after it falls apart.
How do you add humor to it. Seeing someone so stubbornly hold onto something that is just so not true.
Reverse psychology on themselves, if you impersonate someone who is overdoing the emotions in the text, or to rap in front of people or write a poem, try and do the worst performance or write the worst poem you could ever write. Better than trying to do your best.
Better than trying to yank yourself up.
There is something sweet and tenderness in someone trying to maintain an illusion, they are trying to survive, trying to enjoy life, but if you have a violent childhood and find a good an illusion, I don*t want to mistreat myself by forning myserlv out of an illusion feels like a nastay mean thing to do to myself.
If someone suggest to you that aou afre in some kind of illusion, try to hold onto it as much as you can, discard and reject it with as much force as you can muster, you might see the ridiculaous nature of what yosu are up to and finally it made funny. Over do your conviction that you are so bad, or so good, etc.
The value of utter disillusionment, an immunity to illusions.
How to do this without dying of hopelessness.
Complete and utter vacancy of illusions.
Broken hearted about how the world is, cannot believe that anything is nice.
If you start associating joy with being in illusion, fantasy, and dream, then that's a strategy to say I am broken hearted as can be so I will not believe in anythihg, because if I get more broken hearted I will die - which is just another dark illusion.
Achieve an equanamous glad tranquil state in Buddhism, equanimity equates to suppressing feelings.
If disillusionment is a joyful tranquil state, where you perceive illusions, you accept them, ideas beliefs potential illusions, but you do not have the need right there and then to figure out if it is an illusion or not because you do not have to defend yourself against illusions, you can discard things as necessary. The things that are useful for you now will remain, and there is the possibility of change.
I'm depressed with demons, and do not tell me that's true.
We want to keep things familiar but it goes farther, there were enemeies, parents to who did bac things to us, and at some point you identify with it, then there are people who deserve to be killed where an autoimune things comes up where the enemy gets into your body and you start defending agains tht good stuff that wants to get in. Once the autoimune disease enters it kills everything inside that stops everything from coming in.
You come intot this workd blind and new, but there are nice or poisonous things in the world, in order to have immunity, you inject some of the poison into your body, butg then that become the njew normal, then you are not aware that ouy started poisoning yourself when you were five years old. If someone comes and says hey look, the world has bright and shiny things, but it does not match and you defend yourself by attackking the bright and shiy things.
It start with wanting to match the inner world with the outwer world to survive. If our mom hits me I decide I am shit, because the out er world is the authoirty and I am here to learn to survive. Then later, or as a reaction, like hey I adapted all my life to you suckers, so not I want the outer world to match my inner world I am not going to adapt anymore.